Starting another week

I graduated last Thursday night from Outpatient, yay me!!
Im kind of excited about starting out which is kind of surprising. One big difference that I can see now as compared to the first time I did this in January is that when I left Outpatient then I was very apprehensive, this time I feel so much more secure and a little excited. If you were to ask me it has to do with the problem that is now gone from my home :)
Kailen is still in West Va. with Johns parents and wont be back until this Wednesday, Im really missing her. I got to see Bailey for a little while Fri. night and last night. This is my weekend to get them coming up, we are suppose to go to the fair Fri. night with John, the mean part of me wants to tell him that he's not invited, I feel like every second I can get with them this weekend is important, I dont know why Im feeling this way.
I found a poem the other day and immediately I knew that it applied to me and applies to everyone battling addiction:

Fate handed the quitter a bump, and he dropped
The road seemed to rough to go, so he stopped
He thought of his hurt, and there came to his mind
The easier path he was leaving behind.

It's all much too hard, said the quitter right then
I'll stop where I am and not try it again
He sat by the road and he made up his tale
To tell when men asked why he happened to fail

A thousand excuses flew up to his tongue
And these on the thread of his story he strung
But the truth of the matter he didn't admit
He never once said, I was frightened and quit

Whenever the quitter sits down by the road
And drops from the struggle to lighten his load
He can always recall to his own peace of mind
A string of excuses for falling behind.

But somehow or other he can't think of one
Good reason for battling and going right on
So, when the bump comes and fate hands you a jar
Don't baby yourself, boy, whoever you are

Don't pity yourself and talk over your woes
Don't think up excuses for dodging the blows
But stick to the battle and see the thing through
And don't be a quitter, whatever you do

Author Unknown

I really love this poem!! I have felt like giving up the past couple of weeks, especially when I stop and think about what is happening and what is still ahead of me. After I read this though, it helps me to not give in and remember that I only need to deal with what comes today and what is to happen is not for me to worry about right now, just keep the attitude that I will deal with it when its time and not back down. Its going to seem so strange tonight not to run to Outpatient Class when I get off, however, I am going to be a good girl and go to an AA meeting at 6:30 pm. I will check in tomorrow and give update.

The Dreaded Day

Well, Im back from the hearing and the final results are that I will get the girls every other weekend unsupervised, I have to pay John $300/mnth and he will pay for all of the other bills, and am subject to periodic drug screens once a month for 6 mnths (which is no surprise there) and the girls are being appointed a guardian ad litem. I guess I am happy in the sense that I get to see the girls without John or anybody else hanging on every little word I say. But to go from being there everyday with them, taking back and forth to ball practice and going to every game to every other weekend is a little hard to take. And then John last nite had the audacity to tell me that he still loves me but that he refuses to take the blame for anything. Im still not getting much cooperation. A good thing also is that I get out this Thursday from my Intensive Outpatient program because I am doing so well and now have realized the importance of outside meetings that they are not going to make me go the 5 weeks but instead only three which I am so happy about, three weeks of these hours is about to do me in, 8 hrs at work then immediately leave and go to class for 3 hrs and not get home until 9:30 at night is a little rough right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel!! And i will do whatever it takes to get my children. Guess I'll write later what has happened since this post. Thank you so much for all the wonderful, supportive comments I have received, they have really helped a lot!

The Weekend and 1st Obstacle to get through

Well, the weekend went ok I guess, when I went over Fri nite to deliver the treat bags for the party my aunt went with me b/c the attorney said I COULD NOT go over there by myself. While I was there, neither Johns mother, sister, or any of the family members acknowledged me, it was like I was a ghost. I just pretended not to notice and gave all of my concentration to the girls. I did get visitation with the girls on Sat. from 11-4. The only bad thing was the girls were very tired from the sleepover party the night before and were not very happy at all. But of course, like a mother, I was just tickled to get them.
Yesterday was Bailey's bday and John and the girls came over yest. evening and we grilled steaks and had dinner together, oh, it was also our 12th anniversary as well. Happy anniversary to me.
Tomorrow is the tough day, at 9:00 in the morning I will be sitting in a courtroom for my Ex-Parte hearing. Getting through something that stressful and heart-wrenching without taking something will prob. be the most difficult thing Ive ever had to do. My one prayer is that my lawyer is going to ask for me to have the children on the weekends from Fri. evening to Sunday afternoon unsupervised, this would make me so happy to know i could get them on the weekends. Sooo, everyone say a prayer for me because Im really scared and worried. I will write tomorrow when I get back to let you know what happened.

Here we go......

Well, I just got off the phone with John who was very hateful to me because he asked me "you are coming to the party tonite right?" (obviously if he had to ask he knows what situation I am in), I told him I was coming to drop everything off and then leaving because I have a meeting to go to tonite. He laughed really hateful and said "alright then". I of course fell in the trap (as usual) and started telling him not to turn this around on me which led into a bigger fight and then of course he ends with "well, its only your daughter's birthday party so you do what you want to do". Which of course now has me feeling like Im a dirtbag of a mother for not going. Why can he not see how uncomfortable that is for me to be at his mother's house? I of course immediately called my attorney and talked to his assistant, and she made me feel better because she said that Im not the one that should feel bad, he's the one with the guilty conscious thats why hes trying to turn it around on me and make me feel like Im the bad person. Everytime though that I think about him telling Bailey that I didnt care about coming to her party it just breaks my heart. Im really not sure how much more of this Im going to be able to stand, and we havent even got to the hearing Tuesday......

My little Bailey who thinks she is 14! 

My little princess - Kailen 

A Very Anxious Day

I didnt get a chance yesterday to update my journal because I had a rough night last night, enough to make myself physically sick. Well, today is Bailey's Bday party (at my mother in laws house) and I am now resolved after what happened yesterday to stay for just a minute and then leave, regardless of what Bailey thinks and what John is going to tell all our friends.
John has ruined any part of this party for me and it has now become his mother and sister's party for her. I know this sounds like Im being a little catty but you would have ot know the background, for 6 yrs since Bailey was born his mother and sister has constantly upstaged me at every opportunity with the girls and of course John allowed it.
For the party tonite, the past two weeks I had told John that I was going to get the little treat bags because Bailey had the idea of doing little makeup bags and putting little girlie things in them. Yesterday, my mom and aunt spent all day (and money) going around to different stores to get the things for me. Then yesterday afternoon John clld to let me know that he had gotten the bday cake and then he mentioned that his mom and sister had gotten the things for the party bags. I immediately got upset and started crying and I told him that I had told him repeatedly that I was going to do them. He started yelling at me that he had to make sure Bailey was taken care of for the party and that I had just said that mom and my aunt were just going looking, I told him that was a lie because if I had told him once I told him at least 100x that I was doing it, and once again, as usual, the response was "what difference does it make?", I told him that I was very hurt and it made a lot of difference to me. I guess why it bothered me so bad is because I've been basically shut out of the party (of course John will deny this to the end because of course "I did this, its my fault all of this has happened"). I have now decided that I cannot put myself in a stressful situation which will cause me to want to take something (I REALLY wanted to last nite) so I will go and still drop off my treat bags for all the girls, see Bailey and Kailen and then leave. Im going to have to resolve myself all day to be strong and not to worry about what John tells all our friends, if they are truly my friend then they will understand. Ive already started finding out who my true friends are, trust me. I am going to an AA meeting at 6:30 so I really will have somewhere to go and Im sure I will need to be there after going to his mothers!! I will write tonite about how it went, my heart is breaking though because of the way the party is being handled.

Another Day

I had an ok day yesterday. My mom and aunt came in from out of town and are staying with me until Sunday. If John (my husband for now) wanted to isolate me further from my family by doing what he has done he made a big mistake, my family has rallied around me and everyday Im getting phone calls from cousins that I only saw every couple of years. I had my Intensive Outpatient class last nite, it was hard because its so late when I get out. This morning I had to remind myself of the prizes that are waiting for me at the end because I am so exhausted right now, like possibly getting my girls back and also staying clean so I can be more than I already am. I'll write later tonite once I see how it goes today. I am already REALLY DREADING tomorrow nite because I am having to go to my six year olds birthday party at my mother in laws house which should be interesting. I also have my Ex-Parte hearing this Tuesday also and Im really scared even though everyone has told me not to be, I do know that I wont get the girls but my lawyer is going to ask for unsupervised visits on the weekends which right now would be great! I would be sooo happy if he agrees to this, Ive done everything hes told me to do in the court orders. So Im very nervous but a little excited about maybe getting more time with my children. Ohh, I did get good news yesterday, usually the Outpatient program lasts 5 weeks, they are only making me go three weeks because Im doing so well and they feel that part of the problem is John sooo next Thursday will be last nite and I will be so glad!! Im already preparing myself for John to go against this and say thats not long enough, he wants me to go Inpatient but of course he wont admit it to me. He has snuck around and talked to my counselors to try to convince them of this and obviously they didnt listen to him. Yay for me! I'll write tonite and give details about the rest of my day.

A New Beginning

I have recently had a relapse in my addiction to pain medicine. I feel that now that I have gone back through the program and LISTENED to what everyone had to say and quit trying to do it my way that I am getting the tools I need to succeed. I also am having to make some hard decisions about the realtionship in my life.
I have been married for 12 years and have two small children, six and three, who are the only bright spot in my life right now. Two weeks ago my husband came in one night and shocked me by serving me with divorce papers but the most shocking was he also served me with Ex-Parte orders as well taking my children from me.
Now he is telling me that he did this for me and instead of being mad (im not mad, I just feel sooo betrayed) that i should be happy that this happened. really? The only way I can see my girls is if I ask permission and it can only be supervised visits at that. My lawyer has made me feel better because he thinks this can be removed because Ive been such a big part of the girls life that Ive done nothing to warrant the supervised visits. My six year old is mad at me right now b/c she had already told me that if Daddy & I split up she wanted to live with me. So, she doesnt understand right now what is going on.
It is really hard right now to focus on me and my recovery with everything that is going on, things have started to get very ugly between my husband and I so that hasnt been good.
My counselor suggested that I start a blog to put down what im feeling right now because I have no one to support me really right now. She thought it would be good to put my feelings down as well as get some feedback. I hope to write everyday about the struggle im dealing with and hopefully I will see some sort of progress.